Free time
How much of your free time is spent feeling free?
When is the last time you felt free?
There have been times in my life where I’d have to think back far to answer that question. Remembering a particular trip a few years prior, a night out six months ago, or something else.
Feeling free was a rare exception. It would come about through circumstance.
What does feeling free mean to you?
I’ve thought a lot about this over the past year. In fact, I wrote a piece on the topic that I never published, because I couldn’t figure out how to make it “calm & fluffy”. In it, I explored the contemporary notion of freedom that many of us have; a type of individualistic "I don't depend on anyone" ideology, sustained by anonymous consumerism — a notion of freedom conveniently co-opted to keep us buying.
I don’t think that’s freedom.
In fact, how ‘free’ I’ve felt at various stages of my life hasn’t corresponded with how free I have been conceptually. When I left my temporary home of Moscow after the Crimea invasion, nothing tied me anywhere: no job, no obligations. I had enough money to last a while, but I was also taken aback by how my dream job had caused so much stress and pain in me (and others). I was filled with anxiety about what was next.
Ten years ago, a few months after I started MUSIC x, my first newsletter, I had reached another dream. It was turning into a freelance business working with people I admired, on my own terms. I, once more, had everything I wanted, had the trust and attention of people who had achieved so much, and I felt anxious and unhappy. Those feelings turned into despair and depression: “I have everything I want. Things some people can only dream of. Why do I feel so bad?”
In those days I did not feel free. Despite being able to run things on my own terms. Every moment was spent in a cage of anxiety.
Over time, I’ve found that feeling free doesn’t depend on circumstance. I feel most free, when I can be fully present in the moment. It’s why music and nights out dancing always had a big pull on me, and nowadays also sports, dance classes, exercise, meditation and other mindfulness practices.
Freedom, to me, means being fully present in the moment.
And that's something I can practice.
If I am in ballet class, and my mind goes to something I need to do for work, then I know: this moment is for ballet, and I can let go of that thought. During my morning meditation, which I sometimes do just for a couple of minutes, I can often do the same: this moment is for sitting — I will meet my work at my desk.
But how often do worries, plans, and other thoughts occupy moments where they have no purpose? How much of my time do I spend half-here, and half-there?
When I go for a walk in the park and stop to look at a tree, how much of me is perceiving that tree and how much of me is elsewhere or elsewhen?
Rethinking ‘free time’
How many times have you been asked “so what do you like to do in your free time?” What do you answer? During the activities you might list as answers, do you feel free? Why?
I'm trying to build a definition of freedom for myself. Not as a fixed notion or concept, but as an emotion. What does freedom feel like?
What is present when you feel free? What is absent?
Can you turn more of your time into free time?
This week… ꒰｡◕‿◕｡꒱
Pay attention to moments in which you feel free.
Moments in which memories or anticipations of past and future moments don’t impose themselves.
Can you give yourself more time to feel free? Can you give more freedom to your time?
Anything counts. Even a minute.
ᕱᕱ For your ears ᕱᕱ
I’ve been on the lookout for interesting jazz releases recently, as my divorce from music streaming has left me with a music collection almost completely devoid of jazz. In my search for interesting music to collect, I came across this work by British-Bahraini musician Yazz Ahmed. The collection’s title, Shinrin-Yoku, is Japanese for forest bathing, a mindfulness practice. Recorded in 2020, Ahmed decided to release these now, to encourage reconnection with the sacred landscapes we all share:
“The world is hurting,
Forever wars.
Feelings of hopelessness.
Abandoned,
I weep for humanity.”
A deeper dive (っˆڡˆς)
Here are a few articles about the experiences and tools that have helped me.
